Life After Bullying

Targets, Not Victims

Words matter. We adopted the language of the movement begun before us in Scandinavia and England. Bullied individuals are targets, people in the crosshairs temporarily. Victimhood conveys a sense of permanence. No matter how long your exposure, it will end.

Health Above All Else

Targets do not give up on themselves easily. This lead to staying too long in toxic places. It hurts us to hear targets say they are waiting – for bullies to recognize the error of their ways (personality is relatively permanent, personality disorders definitely are), for HR to conclude their “investigation” (the finding of “personality clash” is baked into the process, how do you say management support?), and for a few years to pass until retirement.

Waiting to find alternatives keeps you exposed to prolonged distress. Long-term, chronic distress causes several health problems (see Health Impact Target Tutorial).

Therefore, let your health decline help you decide if you can “afford” to stay. Rely on indicators from your mental health professional and physician, not your financial advisor. You were resourceful before. That trait is not lost to you. You will bounce back and craft a new narrative. Trust yourself. But the longer you ignore the impact of distress on your body and mind, the less likely your decision making will be clear. The stressed brain is an impaired brain.

Accountability Defined

This is rarely done voluntarily. However, I’ve seen employers not accept excuses and justifications from bullies to foist responsibility on targets (she made me do it). Safe to say that confrontation that accepts no escape is required.

This is accomplished more easily after the investigation gathered data about specific misconduct along with impact statements/affidavits.

Unlikely genuine. More likely disingenuous. Non-psychopathic people are capable of expression if guilt is extreme. People psychopathic-like or narcissistic never admit mistakes.

Only if they engage in a 12-step program for addictions. Step 9 – Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

This is the most easily accomplished outcome when an employer seriously limits perpetrators’ freedom. Constraint of behaviors through limits in policy, coupled with strict enforcement, are possible. Changing their personalities is a fool’s errand.

Answering The Question About Your Departure

In some indeterminate future era, you would be able to explain why you left (or were fired from) your previous employer with: “I was bullied and subjected to work abuse. My health was compromised. I see that you are a company that publicly declared an intolerance of such behavior. I’m eager to be part of that culture.” Oh, if only ….

Today you might state it more softly given the obvious employer awareness of the concept. “The conditions at work were made intolerable. No reasonable person would or could stay. I want to work where my talents can be tapped without facing the risk of political game playing.”

Or use your health as justification. It’s true. “My physician recommended leaving given how toxic he learned the workplace had become.” If you’ve been exposed for a long period of time, your physician has probably written several “off work” orders for job stress for you. It’s kind of funny that they typically say “Just leave that place. It’s gonna kill you.” They get it long before you understand the need to leave.

Insist on “Psychological Safety”

The most significant aspect of your future work environment is that you be free from ridicule, humiliation and dehumanization every work day. Employers outside the U.S. have a “duty of care” to make work both physically and psychologically safe. Not true in the U.S. American employers barely honor the duty to keep workers physically safe (OSHA standards). In fact, violating employers pay very light fines for on-site worker deaths.

Ask Questions, Know What You Want

If your brain has de-stressed and you are fully functioning, you are smart again. Remember, you were bullied because of the threats, from your technical and social skills, you posed to the bully. You will be able to think on your feet again.

Ask why the job you seek is open. How much turnover in that position in last 5 years? In that department? Can you provide contact information for the last two people who left the department for any reason? Who manages the department? How many years as manager at the company? Years of managing experience lifetime? May I meet my future coworkers over lunch? Assess the workplace culture inside the department at inside the company as a whole.

Research the company’s policies online before the interview. See if they have a new-fangled policy to prevent and correct bullying. You can actually ask about their commitment to resolving bullying issues if you found a press account of a bully in their ranks. Was she punished? Terminated? If they took any positive action, you can compliment them at your interview. If they botched the process and the bully was retained, you can ask to not work under, or anywhere near, that person.

The other thing to research is any record of lawsuits filed against the employer in state or federal court. Complaints are public. Court clerks can assist the search for the employer as defendant.

With no public or press accounts about bullying, revert to discussion of #MeToo awareness and what initiatives have been undertaken. No employer wants the PR disaster that public sexual harassment cases bring. Ask what adjustments the company has made to comply. (Did changes occur before or after the lawsuits you discovered, if any?) Ask this if you are woman or man. It’s not about sex. It’s an indirect way to get to their commitment to accountability.

When the Bully is a Reference

The best outcome for you is to have all inquiries about you directed to HR who gives only dates of employment and salary. HR should refuse to answer questions about the willingness to rehire you.

Despite your best efforts to keep the name of your bully boss from the next employers, they will call to get that person’s name. It’s part of the mistaken and uncritical acceptance of management’s portrayal of reality as truth. Non-supervisory workers are not to be believed. HR didn’t say enough, so they will call your bully.

Think about the reference your out-of-control boss will give. Limits will not likely heeded. Imagine no more. Find out exactly what is said about you.

We endorse this reference-checking service with a deep knowledge of workplace bullying. It’s affordable. Their service is quick and thorough. Transcripts are admissible in court or for use in negotiations.

Repeated from Targets, the Best Among Us

Post-Bullying Stage. If you engaged in any complaint-investigation-adjudication process to resolve your bullying, allow yourself at least one year after the cessation of all activities related to getting justice. You require emotional distance. If you did get a severance or settlement package. Use the money to allow yourself to heal. Don’t jump right into the next job, if you can afford the delay. Depending on how you left — on your terms or with your tail between your legs never telling anyone — you may be ill-equipped to compete for a job.

Identity Fortification. Restore the professional identity of competence to yourself if it got lost in the process. Remember, if bullying taught you nothing else, you exist separately from any “job.” You were a person before and are one afterwards. Never over-invest your identity in work that you do not own or control completely again.

Retrospective. What lessons did you learn? What habits must you not repeat? For instance, targets tend to be high self-disclosers. They share intimate secrets with others in the beginning of relationships to demonstrate commitment. Sadly, bullies take all that is given for future use against you. In the future, try to not trust anyone with secrets until they have proven themselves trustworthy. Trust, but verify.

Grieve Losses. It’s OK to hurt over the lost income, the lost or interrupted career path, lost optimism that the world is fair, and lost relationships. In no prescribed order, the stages of grief ending with Acceptance of New Reality are: Denial of the experience (which may be a version of “I just want my life to be like it was”), Bewilderment (stuck on asking “Why me?” and/or “How could she do this?”), Despair-Depression, and Anger (which is much healthier than depression or self-blame and guilt or lingering shame).

Post-Traumatic Growth. Made possible with (1) a strong commitment to living, not giving into despair or self-harm, a sense of hardiness, and (2) practicing new life skills. Requisite changes include accepting that there will be subsequent potentially traumatizing events but not being overwhelmed by them, asserting control over situations with a new found sense of purpose and optimism, ensuring a cadre of family and friends for reliable social support, and the ability to forgive oneself for imperfections, to practice self-compassion.

New Narrative. Restructure your new life. Convert evil to good. Heal from the trauma so you can make sound decisions. Soothe yourself. Try self-compassion. Set a new course.

There is life after bullying. Once out of the crosshairs, new possibilities will be obvious. Then, and only then, safely move on.