Recognizing What Happened (or is Happening) to  You

In the beginning, we failed to understand the significance of horrific incidents Dr. Ruth endured at the hands of her woman boss, Sheila.

Long after Ruth was extracted from that Northern California toxic psychiatry clinic, we discovered what had happened.

We want you to be able to more quickly to identify what happened to you. You will be able to know with certainty what lies ahead, so you can make the right decisions for yourself and your family.

Please take advantage of our 24-year immersion in the dark side of the world of work, our research, and our listening to over 12,000 bullied targets. There are predictable patterns we can share.

Barriers to Recognition

The good people who are targeted for abuse at work take a wrong turn when the bully first tests them to see if they will respond to aggression with aggression or with passivity. In the immediate moment of the first assault, most targets just want to leave. They are shocked, surprised by the cruelty or the size of the Big Lie (you are incompetent). They freeze.

Unfortunately, targets also tend to blame themselves as a weird way of rationalizing the lie. Bully-resistant people call the liar on the lie in the moment and the bully scurries away. But targets take the blow personally. In subsequent weeks, targets are consumed by trying to make sense of the senseless acts of cruelty. This delays recognizing it for what it is — malicious psychological assaults planned and perpetrated by the bully.

Another major barrier is that our societal and workplace norms dictate some tolerance of abuse until one is promoted to boss. As a non-supervisory worker (or low-level supervisor), we convince ourselves that we should just “keep our head down,” “lay low,” ‘pay your dues,” and not “stick out like a sore thumb.” These are self-subordinating behaviors. We voluntarily check our dignity and agency (ability to accomplish things) at the door. That’s why it’s so hard to reclaim it years later. I mean that the self-deprecating tactics make it unlikely that we challenge bosses’ rights to mistreat us as they wish. After all, we irrationally reason, it’s work, not vacation.

You Can Be Bullied Without Knowing It

You are probably bullied when:

Outside Work

  • you throw up the night before work
  • everyone is fed up with you obsessing about work at home
  • your doctor tells you to change jobs because of blood pressure and health problems
  • days off are spent exhausted and lifeless, all desire is lost.
  • you begin to believe that you provoked the workplace cruelty

At Work

  • your work is never good enough for the boss
  • your tormentor is arbitrary & capricious, works a personal agenda all the time
  • co-workers are forbidden to work, talk, or socialize with you.
  • you constantly feel anxious, “sensing doom”
  • you are always kept from doing your job right
  • HR agrees that it’s harassment, but not illegal, “work it out between yourselves”
  • you are accused of incompetence despite the history of objective excellence.
  • everyone says your tormentor is a “jerk” but they do nothing

Not Knowing Is Natural

Don’t beat yourself up (this is what guilt feels like) for not detecting the snake’s unscrupulous behavior for what it is/was. Most bullies are cleverly deceitful and are better at being the destructive person they are than you are at catching them. Your worldview, honed from decades of growing up honest and loving, stands in marked contrast to that of your bully. They approach each day as the chance to dominate others. They were raised to attack first, lest they be attacked by surprise. Further, you most likely can’t even imagine how someone can be so cruel, especially to others at work on whom they depend. These differences in approaches to life help explain why you were caught with your guard down (and later we will explain how the difference magnifies the trauma and hurt you experience.

How To Distinguish Bullying From Harsh,

Aggressive Management Style

There are two differences. First, does everyone receive the harsh, abrasive treatment consistently? In bullying the application of misery is dumped disproportionately on the single targeted person (which may rotate monthly or yearly). Coworkers not bullied are treated with respect, even kindness, to demonstrate how mean perpetrators can be. It is laser-focused, personalized campaign of interpersonal destruction. Second, bullying is not the exercise of routine managerial prerogative. Bullying, unrelenting abusive conduct causes harm to the health and well-being of the targeted person. Bullying causes harm. Abrasiveness, especially borne by everyone, rarely harms to the extent that bullying does. [Interesting research finding: victims of sexual harassment do not suffer the mental anguish and torment that bullied targets do.

Thus, the primary task for targets is to become aware of problems with their personal health. Then connect the dots. The hypertension, ulcer, migraine headaches, disruption to sleep are related to the stress caused by the bullying. Targets are prone to ignore physiological warning signs. Ignore at your peril. At the very least, check your blood pressure. Hypertension is the canary in the coal mine indicator that you are stressed. (See the fuller Health Impact section of our Online Education Center.) Look no further than workplace bullying.

It Is Not Vain or Narcissistic to Focus on Yourself

Targets rarely meet the criteria that define a narcissist. You do not have an inflated sense of self when questioning what is happening to your health. It is not a selfish task. It is necessary for your survival. You need to know. Your family needs to know. They have watched you decline over time while ignoring the signs. Feel no guilt over wanting to live with less distress.